...wish I cared...

It takes a real woman to listen to her words.

Even the word nice is mad at me.

Different cause.  Same Orgin.

2010

I have this idea in my head that everything should just fall together.

I have this gut renching feeling in my heart that I'm in for a hard run.

My life has never been easy but is anyones life easy?

It's all perspective and importance.

Im amazed by how much a perspective can change over such a short amount of time.

Half of one year has created a new me.
Can I say a better me? Eh.

Perhaps a more opened, enlightened...hardened.

At 21

I do feel alone.

I do not have a husband or children.

I'm independent.

Solo.

Ive found no one who wishes to keep me as theirs.

Forever.

I wont settle for the maybe or the unsure.

We all feel alone.

Commit to me.

For the fact that you want to.

Allowing me into your forever is mind blowing...

Heavenly.

And then I awake.

On this earth.

Stuck in the now.
Dreaming of forever.

I dont know the plan.

I havent even seen the blueprint.

Here we go again.

Next Chapter.

Uncorrected Heart of Hearts

Take me
to a place
where I can finally see
love
at its greatest.


Exceeding all thoughts
obstacles
&
bounds.


Let us travel
through my past
&
learn how I became.
Devoid of judgement.

Allow yourself
to see me 
as I am.
Raw.
Exposed.
Vulnerable. 

I give
you
me.

Mouth Watering & Deliscious?

 

 

F U C K .

Stroll Down Memory Lane

Nothing Important

Written January 29, 2008

Shaking inside and out

Butterflies congregate in her stomach

It is impossible

She tries to rationalize the situation

If only she can convince herself

Maybe she can trick reality

Mind over matter

Mind over matter

She looks again

And her rationalization is demolished

Tears begin to fall

As she does simultaneously to her knees

If there ever was a God

She prays to him now

"End this"

"End my pain"

"Why? Why!"

She is snapped back into the hell she is living in

As someone pounds on the white door beside her

She wipes her tears

Rinses her face

Composes herself

And lastly opens the door

She walks down the hallway

With her head down

Ashamed, Ruined and Confused

She looks up and there he stands

He approaches her knowing something is different

"What is wrong" he asks

"Nothing important" she says

Then she turns and walks away

From the one person

Who truly loved her

When All You Need:
Written December 16, 2007


When all you need
Is that one person
To make you smile
When really you're on the verge of tears

When all you need
Is that one morning phone call
So that you can hear their voice
And know your day will be better because of it

When all you need
Is to look into eachother eyes
Speak no words
And get lost in the moment

When all you need
Is to lie in his arms
Feel Safe
And fall asleep

When all you need
Is to be reassured
That they wont leave you like everyone else
If they do you would be heartbroken

When all you need
Is that last kiss
That last hug and glance
Before miles separate your bonded hearts

When all you need
Is that one person
To give your heart to
You feel complete

& so it was.

& so I felt.



years later

I find myself looking through the same eyes

In My Lifetime

Est. 2007


-get roses
-sleep on the beach
-be in two places at once
-watch the sunset at the beach
-get married
-have children
-be in an intense argument with my love and then just kiss
-rockclimb
-go to hawaii
-live somewhere out of California
-visit the pyramids in Mexico
-understand spanish
-see the whales in La Paz
-go on a cruise
-teach a child how to read
-have a garden
-provide for myself
-march in a protest
-love someone more than myself
-volunteer at a hospital
-go sailing
-ride a quad/dirtbike
-go camping
-go to law school
-make someone feel better about themselves
-solve a problem
-become part of a real family
-discover my own religous beliefs
-name a star
-become an expert at something
-see the titanic
-write a book
-make ammends
-ride in a submarine
-go to an island and have a bonfire
-kiss someone i love at midnight on new years
-sponsor a child
-dance like no one is watching
-speak another language fluently
-get back into ballet
-paint a picture on a canvas
-swim with dolphins
-be a mentor
-own a new car
-buy my own house
-fall asleep with someone special in a bed of rose petals
-love every aspect of my life
-be content with the family i have been given
-have an impact in law
-have a candle lit dinner
-read the bible and the koran cover to cover
-shoot a gun
-have a picnic
-skydive
-go on a roadtrip accross the U.S
-be brave enough to do karaoke
-have a spa day with all the works
-visit the pyramids in Egypt
-read all the books i own
-see a broadway play
-ride a horse along the beach
-see the northern lights
-ride in a hot air ballon
-have my portrait painted
-watch the launch of a space shuttle
-visit the top of the statue of liberty
-run a marathon
-take an african safari
-cry become im so happy
-visit the great wall of china
-give someone a place to stay when they have no where to go
-drive a cop car
-drive a firetruck
-drive a ferrari
-be a room mom
-kiss in the rain

Exquisite Perfection

Puzzle Pieces
exquisite examples of perfection.

Fitting together flawlessly
effortlessly.


You are my match.
Perfectly.
Exactly.
Without defect.


Together we are complete


We begin..
With Happiness
Dreams of Possibility
Overcome with Hope
United




I dont see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Sexual Seduction

I have an obsession with love. I've come to realize this.
Many people would say I'm codependent when I'm involved.
My happiness & well being is dependent on anothers happiness & well being.
Is there really anything wrong with that?
I want my other half.
Someone to wake up to every morning and go to bed with every night.
Someone who understands my facial expressions & cares about what I'm saying because we are united.
It's a partner, a lover, a best friend, a companion, a commitment.
I think that I truely convinced myself within the past six months or so that love is this unreachable nirvana...
perhaps not.
One major problem seems to be that when I'm single I fall "in like" a lot.
I guess that I have that girls next door vibe.
I will enjoy being single for now until I find the one. (which holy hell I still believe he's out there for me)

As I ramble on I suppose I can explain my boys.
My brother is 18 months younger & we have come to have many mutual friends (guy friends).
My friends are my family & these boys have become my family.
We have a group of 6 guys & 1 girl -me.

I have always secretly had a cougar crush on 2 of the guys in our group.
Never did I think twice about it. I was always dating and on top of that younger guys werent my thing.

Number 1. I met him while I was dating my recent ex.
We all partied, drank, played beer pong etc.
I stopped my mind from wondering @ he's cute.
He is the only friend whom I have ever kissed or been passionate with.
Amazing sex but at times he doesn't seem tuned in to my actual being & not just my body.
Great guy but a work in progress.

Number 2 I met about 6 months ago. Instantly I thought he was adorable.
He is so cute in fact that I was intimidated.
This last weekend I finally convinced him to try thiz with me & he did.
Let's just say I had an immediate attraction & I think he did too.
I know he's into me but he won't say anything because he is my brothers right hand man, best friend by far.
I have a much deeper emotional & physical connection with him..
Kinda waiting for it to pass but it keeps intensifying.

My brother doesn't know about my encounters & neither do any of the other boys. We keep it that way.

This weekend we are having a party @ my dads house while he's out of town. I can't wait to thiz again with my adorable friend & get more massages <3 mmm.

In my mind I deserve to have my cake & eat it too.

superbia.avaritia.luxuria.invidia.gula.ira.acedia.

Pride.Envy.Gluttony.Lust.Wrath.Greed.Sloth

 SEVEN DEADLY SINS

GUILTY

  

<>       <>

18.4%          10.2%          26.7%           6.2%            10%            12.2%         16.3%
		Envy. Lust. Wrath. MY MORTAL SINS ENVY invidia I DESIRE WHAT OTHERS HAVE UNTIL I HAVE IT. IN DANTE'S PURGATORY THE PUNISHMENT FOR ENVY IS TO HAVE YOUR EYES SEWN SHUT WITH WIRE BECAUSE YOU HAD GAINED SINFUL PLEASURE FROM SEEING OTHERS BROUGHT LOW LUST  luxuria I CRAVE FOR THE PLEASURES OF THE HUMAN PHYSIC. SEX. PASSION. EROTICA. ITS A CARDINAL SIN IN ALMOST EVERY RELIGION... EVERYBODY DOES IT. WRATH ira I HAVE A LOVE FOR JUSTICE however ITS SO MUCH SWEETER COATED WITH REVENGE everyone has one.

no strings attached

Current Status: friends with benefits.

Its like fucking for free.

NSA.




Is it wrong to ever want an actual someone to be there with you through the strings & the bullshit of life?

Simply Put

I've done it all. I've loved, laughed, fucked & cried.


Most of my good times I can't remember & probably wouldn't choose to recall if given the choice.


I fuck up alot. I make alot of choices without thinking of the repercussions.


Love Life. Non existent.


Sex Life. Existent.


I have a problem with commitment.


I found love once....


about two years ago.


He found it again six months ago with a married woman.


That's life.


Sometimes, I don't think God believes in sugar.


I believe in faith.
I believe in fun.
I believe in change.
I believe in a higher power.
I believe in working hard.
I believe in lust.
I believe in imagination.
I believe in beer thirty & four twenty.
I believe in life.
I believe in experience.
I believe in explicit remembrances.

Let's Begin...

Dedicated to the secrets never told.
Dedicated to my life through my eyes.